this is odd

this is odd and i don't like it.

FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU

FUCK YOU FUCK YOU. YOU CANNOT EXPECT ME TO LOVE YOU, I TOLD YOU I DIDN'T WANT A FUCKING RELATIONSHIP WHY ARE YOU MESSING EVERYTHING UP, YOU'RE SO FUCKING SELFISH, I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU. AND NOW EVERYONE WILL HATE ME, FUCK YOU, I DIDN'T MEAN TO DO THIS, BUT I DID, AND I CAN'T CHANGE IT, I CAN'T BUT FUCK.

I hate myself and i want to rip myself to shreds.

So this is it, the beginning of my fucking self destruction. I broke up with you, and I thought I'd freed myself, and all I've done is give myself a reason to fuck whoever I like and leave before things get scary and intimate. All I've done is dug the fucking hugest hole. Not been eating properly, hence having vodka and shisha last night was fucking dumb. But he was beautiful, and the lights were flashing and it was the most natural thing in the world to shove him on down to the goddamn bed and kiss him senseless. Boys get excited so easily, it was almost too easy.
And the second boy is already in the palm of my hands, ready to fuck me senseless this weekend. He's going to fuck me harder than I hate myself. I want it to hurt when I walk. I hate this. I hate me. I don't want to be me. Why the fuck am I in this goddamn body. I can't even talk to anybody about this because all they'll do is judge judge judge. I don't know what to do. I just want to feel their weight on top of me and know that that is safety. I'm so fucking terrified. Deer frozen in headlight.
Instead of loving me, just fuck me. I don't deserve much else.