So this is it, the beginning of my fucking self destruction. I broke up with you, and I thought I'd freed myself, and all I've done is give myself a reason to fuck whoever I like and leave before things get scary and intimate. All I've done is dug the fucking hugest hole. Not been eating properly, hence having vodka and shisha last night was fucking dumb. But he was beautiful, and the lights were flashing and it was the most natural thing in the world to shove him on down to the goddamn bed and kiss him senseless. Boys get excited so easily, it was almost too easy.
And the second boy is already in the palm of my hands, ready to fuck me senseless this weekend. He's going to fuck me harder than I hate myself. I want it to hurt when I walk. I hate this. I hate me. I don't want to be me. Why the fuck am I in this goddamn body. I can't even talk to anybody about this because all they'll do is judge judge judge. I don't know what to do. I just want to feel their weight on top of me and know that that is safety. I'm so fucking terrified. Deer frozen in headlight.
Instead of loving me, just fuck me. I don't deserve much else.
Seems like the right thing to do is save up some money and move a few miles away. It's amazing what small distance would do. Save up some money for a few comfort things that would help you be the you that you would like.
ReplyDeleteIf you aren't happy with the way things are, just means that you're not happy with yourself. That can change.
P.S Use protection