nononoooooooooooherewegoagain

Don't get me wrong I had a lovely day yesterday, it was great in fact......
But.............. The evening went very badly wrong in so many goddamn ways and I can't even deal with the whole.............
I don't know I just got drinks with a friend and an hour later BOOM he walks in to the place and just fucks with my mind. Like jesus christ he's gorgeousssssss and the accccceeeeeennnnnnnttttttt. hnnggggggghhhhhgggggh.
i can'tttttttttttttttttttt. my chest hurtssssssssssss.

fat as fuck and even friends think i'm a slut.

fuck all of you. like genuinely. it's so unfair of friends to judge me for sleeping with the amount of guys i have slept with - for the record only 8 or 9, which is actually the AVERAGE FUCKING AMOUNT OF PEOPLE GIRLS WILL SLEEP WITH. ffs.

it's especially fucking unfair if they themselves have not had sex yet. like, no you have no fucking idea, you can't fucking make a judgement or comment, also you're meant to be a friend, what the fuck gives you that right? with friends like that who needs fucking enemies you know? idk.

talking to Cort, and we were just talking about food, and she's relapsing and now i feel all weird and triggered, and i'm just a bit sad, because she seemed like she was doing so well, but i guess it's what we fall back on, and i guess that's maybe ok, i don't know.
i feel a bit lost without a scale. i know I've gained.

but i know i'll lose.

i still love marcus a little bit. i can fuck as many guys as  i like, but i'll never kiss their foreheads.

It's wonderful to know that nobody gives a shit.

this is odd

this is odd and i don't like it.

FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU

FUCK YOU FUCK YOU. YOU CANNOT EXPECT ME TO LOVE YOU, I TOLD YOU I DIDN'T WANT A FUCKING RELATIONSHIP WHY ARE YOU MESSING EVERYTHING UP, YOU'RE SO FUCKING SELFISH, I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU. AND NOW EVERYONE WILL HATE ME, FUCK YOU, I DIDN'T MEAN TO DO THIS, BUT I DID, AND I CAN'T CHANGE IT, I CAN'T BUT FUCK.

I hate myself and i want to rip myself to shreds.

So this is it, the beginning of my fucking self destruction. I broke up with you, and I thought I'd freed myself, and all I've done is give myself a reason to fuck whoever I like and leave before things get scary and intimate. All I've done is dug the fucking hugest hole. Not been eating properly, hence having vodka and shisha last night was fucking dumb. But he was beautiful, and the lights were flashing and it was the most natural thing in the world to shove him on down to the goddamn bed and kiss him senseless. Boys get excited so easily, it was almost too easy.
And the second boy is already in the palm of my hands, ready to fuck me senseless this weekend. He's going to fuck me harder than I hate myself. I want it to hurt when I walk. I hate this. I hate me. I don't want to be me. Why the fuck am I in this goddamn body. I can't even talk to anybody about this because all they'll do is judge judge judge. I don't know what to do. I just want to feel their weight on top of me and know that that is safety. I'm so fucking terrified. Deer frozen in headlight.
Instead of loving me, just fuck me. I don't deserve much else.