Recovery still feels like losing a best friend

As strange as it may sound anorexia, bulimia.. They're horrible right? Wrong... I mean I'm not saying that I had terrible friends, I had a few really good ones, but the thing is I had more bad ones than good ones and that made me go a bit crazy. It was awful seeing some of them again last week, really, really awful. And I don't want to be awfully melodramatic but the reason I didn't go on the last two days was just pure fear of seeing them. I really didn't want to. At all.

Anyway, moving on. It was honestly fascinating, riveting to having something, no, someone even so utterly fascinated in you, and all things pertaining to you. At the moment, it feels like the relationship with my boyfriend has becoming some screwy romantic comedy, where my eating disorder sulks in a corner and watches on as I lie in his arms and sleep or, worse still eat, heavens no. It's become a kind of morbid puppet show where I'm in the  middle and everybody I know is trying to pull me away from this eating disorder, while the eating disorder itself is screaming, screaming and pulling me the other way.

Not only this, everyday I hear girls moaaaaan about how little they eat. Shut up. Just shut up, I really could not care less. They moan and groan, almost boasting about how little they've eaten, and I all I want to do is slap them hard in the face. I wish this blog was a little more private sometimes...

And now I'm doing an art project all about it, because my art teacher recommended it, and in a way I look forward to it, and in a way I don't. Everybody will be bitching about my 'attention seeking ways'. Trust me, I don't want attention from you, anything but, don't fucking flatter yourself dear... I just want to somehow come to terms with what happened to me over a period of two or three years. It was a fucking long time, and I've never really spoken about it or approached it in a remotely artistic manner, and I think it would actually be really interesting for me to do so, and may even be helpful.. I just don't want to deal with them giving me complete and utter toxic shit about it. It's amazing how vain people are - they make your personal things all about themselves. Why am I not allowed to be selfish anyway?
Mooooving oonnnnnn....

Soo brought a snack box thing in today, had a good lunch and stuff, it was pretty nice.
Dinnnneeer, homemade vegan type thing. Again the 'fake' cheese thing was weird. The texture was just different I guess, but it tasted really nice, and I could actually eat the tomatos for once which was a big bonus/step forward for me! So proud! ♡