Winter Wonderland~

So of course maybe I am being a bit early when I see, Christmas is just around the corner, but between now and then, life is going to be a tad bit on the jam packed side. Hence, here goes with my Christmassy fashion ideals. 

♡

I think it obviously goes without saying that UGGS and jumpers are a big thing in my life, not to mention knit circle scarves, kind of a fetish. I feel a bit superficial talking about things like this actually, but to be honest it's quite lovely being 'normal', so to say as opposed to completely dolally. 

And of course, we come to breakfast, didn't really eat much today - very ill, still recovering from sever food poisoning during the MUN week. Ew, never again. So boring. All I got out of it was a good thing to put on my CV, and a very messy toilet. 

-cough-

So a mini kind of blueberry-strawberry power shake. It was alright, I just felt very sick for the rest of the day, probably due to this damn bug, fingers crossed it leaves soon.

Tomorrow is a day of pure work, wish me luck. ♡

Recovery still feels like losing a best friend

As strange as it may sound anorexia, bulimia.. They're horrible right? Wrong... I mean I'm not saying that I had terrible friends, I had a few really good ones, but the thing is I had more bad ones than good ones and that made me go a bit crazy. It was awful seeing some of them again last week, really, really awful. And I don't want to be awfully melodramatic but the reason I didn't go on the last two days was just pure fear of seeing them. I really didn't want to. At all.

Anyway, moving on. It was honestly fascinating, riveting to having something, no, someone even so utterly fascinated in you, and all things pertaining to you. At the moment, it feels like the relationship with my boyfriend has becoming some screwy romantic comedy, where my eating disorder sulks in a corner and watches on as I lie in his arms and sleep or, worse still eat, heavens no. It's become a kind of morbid puppet show where I'm in the  middle and everybody I know is trying to pull me away from this eating disorder, while the eating disorder itself is screaming, screaming and pulling me the other way.

Not only this, everyday I hear girls moaaaaan about how little they eat. Shut up. Just shut up, I really could not care less. They moan and groan, almost boasting about how little they've eaten, and I all I want to do is slap them hard in the face. I wish this blog was a little more private sometimes...

And now I'm doing an art project all about it, because my art teacher recommended it, and in a way I look forward to it, and in a way I don't. Everybody will be bitching about my 'attention seeking ways'. Trust me, I don't want attention from you, anything but, don't fucking flatter yourself dear... I just want to somehow come to terms with what happened to me over a period of two or three years. It was a fucking long time, and I've never really spoken about it or approached it in a remotely artistic manner, and I think it would actually be really interesting for me to do so, and may even be helpful.. I just don't want to deal with them giving me complete and utter toxic shit about it. It's amazing how vain people are - they make your personal things all about themselves. Why am I not allowed to be selfish anyway?
Mooooving oonnnnnn....

Soo brought a snack box thing in today, had a good lunch and stuff, it was pretty nice.
Dinnnneeer, homemade vegan type thing. Again the 'fake' cheese thing was weird. The texture was just different I guess, but it tasted really nice, and I could actually eat the tomatos for once which was a big bonus/step forward for me! So proud! ♡

Throwbacks and such ♡

I remember making this lunch aggggeeeees ago when I went with my dad to a museum and I still think it was the best one ever. It was like in 2010, and this was all part of recovery and everything and yeah... I don't know just it's nice to feel nostalgic about things once in a while I guess.

And thiiiis is what I live off when I go to my grandma's house, as she's very much a carnivore. Honestly I feel quite angry that I live in Germany where they sell like nothing nice, mainly meat and all that, and ugh. I get such baaaad heartburn from it it's kept me awake at night sobbing, pretty traumatic. 

Anywayyyy end of the nostalgic twilight kinda post here, I'm tired and off to bed to brace myself for tomorrow, going to be a living sort of personal hell. ♡

Fridayyyyyyyyyyy~~

Incidentally lunch was hard on Friday.. It took me about an hour to finish just this and that's just ugh, stupid. -.- I guess I was stressed about work, MIS, MUN, CAS hours... You know IB student stuff that makes you anxious and gives you shaky hands.
Also, somebody just said that I have some kind of Dermatillomania . I think Imma check that with the doctor first, I'm not really into self diagnosis, especially seeing as it's only on my lips.
Anyway, green peppers, vegan made omelet (kind of weird egg substitute.. don't get me wrong, it was actually really nice, just a funny texture I guess ^^), & half a bagel with low fat content (but kind of annoyed that it was white, not wholewheat..), for heartburn purposes. The Gaviscon stuff isn't working as well as it used to I don't think and it's a bit irritating.. <.< It's usually brilliant but I think I've developed a kind of immunity to it. Obviously this would happen ugh... ^^

Thoughts on 'recovery' and intakes...

I don't mean to be a negative bitch, or anything, and I realize I talk about it a lot, but this is sort of also a very private little-known blog so I guess it's okay. Anyway, I wish people wouldn't talk about food or what they eat in a day... Like I get it's 'normal' but it doesn't seem normal, why do we obsess and feel the need to talk about how much we eat in a day? Why do we do it? More importantly why does every teenage girl I know do it? It seems to be an obsession - a compulsive need, almost and quite frankly, my dear I don't give a damn. It makes me feel awfully triggered when I have to listen to it...
I'm starting a diet next week, because I'm sort of done being fat. Yes it's healthy and everything and no I'm not starving myself, I just hope people don't bother me about it because I don't want to talk about it... I don't want to have to explain myself to every Tom, Dick and Harry!! It's just stupid! I'm genuinely going to get pissed off about it if I have to hear somebody question me, it's my own damn business my good lord. -.-
In other news, I quite like the tracking of the meals I eat through photographs, makes me feel a lot less out of control of it, and more able to keep on top of things, so I think I'm going to ask my parents for a camera for Christmas along with a few Forever 21 items... ;)
The meal above is just a bowl of Oatmeal topped with fresh autumnal fruits - absolutely lovely! ♡♡

cheap quality

Things that make me happy don't make other people as happy haha. I actually really like the pink shirt (H&M). <3

 So, here's some highstreet fashion, because I'm a cheap bitch xo.

Oh good lord, here is the kind of breakfast and lunch and dinner I eat. All the time. Because I need to lose weight before I kill myself. 

things, things, things

Two obsessions: fruit and coffee. 

Honestly this is all I've been consuming for the past couple days, and I don't know how to feel about this anymore.