Recovery still feels like losing a best friend

As strange as it may sound anorexia, bulimia.. They're horrible right? Wrong... I mean I'm not saying that I had terrible friends, I had a few really good ones, but the thing is I had more bad ones than good ones and that made me go a bit crazy. It was awful seeing some of them again last week, really, really awful. And I don't want to be awfully melodramatic but the reason I didn't go on the last two days was just pure fear of seeing them. I really didn't want to. At all.

Anyway, moving on. It was honestly fascinating, riveting to having something, no, someone even so utterly fascinated in you, and all things pertaining to you. At the moment, it feels like the relationship with my boyfriend has becoming some screwy romantic comedy, where my eating disorder sulks in a corner and watches on as I lie in his arms and sleep or, worse still eat, heavens no. It's become a kind of morbid puppet show where I'm in the  middle and everybody I know is trying to pull me away from this eating disorder, while the eating disorder itself is screaming, screaming and pulling me the other way.

Not only this, everyday I hear girls moaaaaan about how little they eat. Shut up. Just shut up, I really could not care less. They moan and groan, almost boasting about how little they've eaten, and I all I want to do is slap them hard in the face. I wish this blog was a little more private sometimes...

And now I'm doing an art project all about it, because my art teacher recommended it, and in a way I look forward to it, and in a way I don't. Everybody will be bitching about my 'attention seeking ways'. Trust me, I don't want attention from you, anything but, don't fucking flatter yourself dear... I just want to somehow come to terms with what happened to me over a period of two or three years. It was a fucking long time, and I've never really spoken about it or approached it in a remotely artistic manner, and I think it would actually be really interesting for me to do so, and may even be helpful.. I just don't want to deal with them giving me complete and utter toxic shit about it. It's amazing how vain people are - they make your personal things all about themselves. Why am I not allowed to be selfish anyway?
Mooooving oonnnnnn....

Soo brought a snack box thing in today, had a good lunch and stuff, it was pretty nice.
Dinnnneeer, homemade vegan type thing. Again the 'fake' cheese thing was weird. The texture was just different I guess, but it tasted really nice, and I could actually eat the tomatos for once which was a big bonus/step forward for me! So proud! ♡

Breakfast and Monday Blues (19.11.12)

Really goddamn tired this morning, had trouble even considering getting out of bed, feel really damn ill, blocked nose, sore throat, on top of food poisoning from last week, I think I may die.
It's hard to consider the fact that I have another five weeks of school, something I can't even begin to consider facing to be honest, as I'm feeling really exhausted of all the work I'm being expected to complete, speaking of which these CAS hours are a bitch to get and I cannot be bothered with it for the moment... Procrastination~~~~
Worse still, I didn't bring a lunch to school, meaning eating about five or six pears for lunch alkgjjlkahjlakhjlkdjh.

Throwbacks and such ♡

I remember making this lunch aggggeeeees ago when I went with my dad to a museum and I still think it was the best one ever. It was like in 2010, and this was all part of recovery and everything and yeah... I don't know just it's nice to feel nostalgic about things once in a while I guess.

And thiiiis is what I live off when I go to my grandma's house, as she's very much a carnivore. Honestly I feel quite angry that I live in Germany where they sell like nothing nice, mainly meat and all that, and ugh. I get such baaaad heartburn from it it's kept me awake at night sobbing, pretty traumatic. 

Anywayyyy end of the nostalgic twilight kinda post here, I'm tired and off to bed to brace myself for tomorrow, going to be a living sort of personal hell. ♡

GUIDELINES OF MAJOR IMPORTANCE

So there's a few rules for next week:

1. NO SKIPPING OUT ON WATER (fainting in school is not classy)
2. Plenty of fruit + soy yoghurt
3. A minimum of nine hours of sleep!!!!!
4. Doing homework from 17:30 - 21:00, then from 21:00 - 21:45 FREE TIME
5. Try and get some fresh air!
6. No skipping meals!!! 
7. No quick fix energy drinks!!!
8. No negative self hating thoughts
9. Switch off the anonymous option on tumblr if getting too much hate!
10. Horse riding must be done on a full stomach.
11. Take time to yourself!

Fridayyyyyyyyyyy~~

Incidentally lunch was hard on Friday.. It took me about an hour to finish just this and that's just ugh, stupid. -.- I guess I was stressed about work, MIS, MUN, CAS hours... You know IB student stuff that makes you anxious and gives you shaky hands.
Also, somebody just said that I have some kind of Dermatillomania . I think Imma check that with the doctor first, I'm not really into self diagnosis, especially seeing as it's only on my lips.
Anyway, green peppers, vegan made omelet (kind of weird egg substitute.. don't get me wrong, it was actually really nice, just a funny texture I guess ^^), & half a bagel with low fat content (but kind of annoyed that it was white, not wholewheat..), for heartburn purposes. The Gaviscon stuff isn't working as well as it used to I don't think and it's a bit irritating.. <.< It's usually brilliant but I think I've developed a kind of immunity to it. Obviously this would happen ugh... ^^

resolutions for october, yes late.

Exercising and a vegan diet as off Monday morning. I have my camelbak water bottle, my new salad container and all these sports clothes I ordered off Forever21.
I feel a bit better having done it, I just hope that school doesn't intervene with the way I've scheduled everything.