23.11.12 Friday and the morning after...

Wednesday and things that go by. Kind of strange Autumn fruit (blackberries, blueberries) +  the odd one out Summer fruit banana, oatmeal mix. It was actually really nice. Just it looks a bit gooey, and not very appetizing. ): 

And lots of tea for my throat, with wooly jumper and knit blanket. :) 

Went to Florence and the Machine concert yesterday (Thursday), and screamed myself hoarse again, throat is raw and I sound like a damn chain smoker, plus I'm really rather tired after all that, and just want to sleep all weekend long. ^^ Oh well, work must be done, and life goes on and such. Can't wait for the end of the day.

Started my Christmas shopping on Wednesday, already have a few stocking fillers for my mum and sister, just need to find some for my dad now. 

So mostly Essie nail polish/varnish, I felt the Pink Trophy wife was appropriate for my mum, while the pastel colour is definitely more my sister's style. :) 

So in short, can't wait to start wrapping up the presents and making cinnamon-orange sticks to put in the stockings so they smell of Christmas, and adklgjlkah. Best time of year for me. 

Winter Wonderland~

So of course maybe I am being a bit early when I see, Christmas is just around the corner, but between now and then, life is going to be a tad bit on the jam packed side. Hence, here goes with my Christmassy fashion ideals. 

♡

I think it obviously goes without saying that UGGS and jumpers are a big thing in my life, not to mention knit circle scarves, kind of a fetish. I feel a bit superficial talking about things like this actually, but to be honest it's quite lovely being 'normal', so to say as opposed to completely dolally. 

And of course, we come to breakfast, didn't really eat much today - very ill, still recovering from sever food poisoning during the MUN week. Ew, never again. So boring. All I got out of it was a good thing to put on my CV, and a very messy toilet. 

-cough-

So a mini kind of blueberry-strawberry power shake. It was alright, I just felt very sick for the rest of the day, probably due to this damn bug, fingers crossed it leaves soon.

Tomorrow is a day of pure work, wish me luck. ♡

Recovery still feels like losing a best friend

As strange as it may sound anorexia, bulimia.. They're horrible right? Wrong... I mean I'm not saying that I had terrible friends, I had a few really good ones, but the thing is I had more bad ones than good ones and that made me go a bit crazy. It was awful seeing some of them again last week, really, really awful. And I don't want to be awfully melodramatic but the reason I didn't go on the last two days was just pure fear of seeing them. I really didn't want to. At all.

Anyway, moving on. It was honestly fascinating, riveting to having something, no, someone even so utterly fascinated in you, and all things pertaining to you. At the moment, it feels like the relationship with my boyfriend has becoming some screwy romantic comedy, where my eating disorder sulks in a corner and watches on as I lie in his arms and sleep or, worse still eat, heavens no. It's become a kind of morbid puppet show where I'm in the  middle and everybody I know is trying to pull me away from this eating disorder, while the eating disorder itself is screaming, screaming and pulling me the other way.

Not only this, everyday I hear girls moaaaaan about how little they eat. Shut up. Just shut up, I really could not care less. They moan and groan, almost boasting about how little they've eaten, and I all I want to do is slap them hard in the face. I wish this blog was a little more private sometimes...

And now I'm doing an art project all about it, because my art teacher recommended it, and in a way I look forward to it, and in a way I don't. Everybody will be bitching about my 'attention seeking ways'. Trust me, I don't want attention from you, anything but, don't fucking flatter yourself dear... I just want to somehow come to terms with what happened to me over a period of two or three years. It was a fucking long time, and I've never really spoken about it or approached it in a remotely artistic manner, and I think it would actually be really interesting for me to do so, and may even be helpful.. I just don't want to deal with them giving me complete and utter toxic shit about it. It's amazing how vain people are - they make your personal things all about themselves. Why am I not allowed to be selfish anyway?
Mooooving oonnnnnn....

Soo brought a snack box thing in today, had a good lunch and stuff, it was pretty nice.
Dinnnneeer, homemade vegan type thing. Again the 'fake' cheese thing was weird. The texture was just different I guess, but it tasted really nice, and I could actually eat the tomatos for once which was a big bonus/step forward for me! So proud! ♡

Grumpy.

Been grumpy all day, too tired to think, too tired to speak, throat on fire, head spinning, food poisoning really giving my stomach hell, can't keep food down, in fact might throw up, or worse just sit on the toilet for an hour while it feels like my guts will explode. tmi and all that but I feel awful, and I have to go to school otherwise I'll fail at life. Not like I'm not failing anyway but I'll fail even more.

Breakfast and Monday Blues (19.11.12)

Really goddamn tired this morning, had trouble even considering getting out of bed, feel really damn ill, blocked nose, sore throat, on top of food poisoning from last week, I think I may die.
It's hard to consider the fact that I have another five weeks of school, something I can't even begin to consider facing to be honest, as I'm feeling really exhausted of all the work I'm being expected to complete, speaking of which these CAS hours are a bitch to get and I cannot be bothered with it for the moment... Procrastination~~~~
Worse still, I didn't bring a lunch to school, meaning eating about five or six pears for lunch alkgjjlkahjlakhjlkdjh.

Throwbacks and such ♡

I remember making this lunch aggggeeeees ago when I went with my dad to a museum and I still think it was the best one ever. It was like in 2010, and this was all part of recovery and everything and yeah... I don't know just it's nice to feel nostalgic about things once in a while I guess.

And thiiiis is what I live off when I go to my grandma's house, as she's very much a carnivore. Honestly I feel quite angry that I live in Germany where they sell like nothing nice, mainly meat and all that, and ugh. I get such baaaad heartburn from it it's kept me awake at night sobbing, pretty traumatic. 

Anywayyyy end of the nostalgic twilight kinda post here, I'm tired and off to bed to brace myself for tomorrow, going to be a living sort of personal hell. ♡

Sleepy Sundays.

Sunday are very lazy for me.. I actually really hate Sundays, not quite sure why, just they make me very depressed at realizing there is school the next day and I've gotta start this all over again ugh.
So yeah my bed is my haven.
Breakfast, cheerios! Can't go wrong there... With a William's pear and a blueberry shake. I hate blueberries haha, so this was a kind of tough one... But I guess I'm thinking of my health in the future so hardiha, blueberries it is, full of antioxidants and fighting cholesterol, and all those golden godly terms. 

I'm really very very tired, and now having a discussion with my dad on going to India for my CAS hours and helping out in a school and/or hospital over there. I think it'll be depressing, quite weird to see the conditions there and above all reallyyy tiring, but I guess it should be quite an interesting experience. Just not so sure about how awake I'm going to be drugged up with all the jabs and anti Malaria drugs you need to take before departure. :/ I hate taking medicine actually it has this woozy exhaustion enhancing effect on me. 

Won't be home for Christmas then either, not sure how my family will react to that, hopefully not too insulted or anything, I hate that, it always makes me feel genuinely awful!
Anyway, I should stop procrastinating my History and English and get my arse in gear right about now.... 

GUIDELINES OF MAJOR IMPORTANCE

So there's a few rules for next week:

1. NO SKIPPING OUT ON WATER (fainting in school is not classy)
2. Plenty of fruit + soy yoghurt
3. A minimum of nine hours of sleep!!!!!
4. Doing homework from 17:30 - 21:00, then from 21:00 - 21:45 FREE TIME
5. Try and get some fresh air!
6. No skipping meals!!! 
7. No quick fix energy drinks!!!
8. No negative self hating thoughts
9. Switch off the anonymous option on tumblr if getting too much hate!
10. Horse riding must be done on a full stomach.
11. Take time to yourself!

Fridayyyyyyyyyyy~~

Incidentally lunch was hard on Friday.. It took me about an hour to finish just this and that's just ugh, stupid. -.- I guess I was stressed about work, MIS, MUN, CAS hours... You know IB student stuff that makes you anxious and gives you shaky hands.
Also, somebody just said that I have some kind of Dermatillomania . I think Imma check that with the doctor first, I'm not really into self diagnosis, especially seeing as it's only on my lips.
Anyway, green peppers, vegan made omelet (kind of weird egg substitute.. don't get me wrong, it was actually really nice, just a funny texture I guess ^^), & half a bagel with low fat content (but kind of annoyed that it was white, not wholewheat..), for heartburn purposes. The Gaviscon stuff isn't working as well as it used to I don't think and it's a bit irritating.. <.< It's usually brilliant but I think I've developed a kind of immunity to it. Obviously this would happen ugh... ^^

Niiiiiice guys~~~~~~

Okay, I just have to say that this is probably my feel good mood sort of thing. Just omg. This will always make me feel okay about things.

Thoughts on 'recovery' and intakes...

I don't mean to be a negative bitch, or anything, and I realize I talk about it a lot, but this is sort of also a very private little-known blog so I guess it's okay. Anyway, I wish people wouldn't talk about food or what they eat in a day... Like I get it's 'normal' but it doesn't seem normal, why do we obsess and feel the need to talk about how much we eat in a day? Why do we do it? More importantly why does every teenage girl I know do it? It seems to be an obsession - a compulsive need, almost and quite frankly, my dear I don't give a damn. It makes me feel awfully triggered when I have to listen to it...
I'm starting a diet next week, because I'm sort of done being fat. Yes it's healthy and everything and no I'm not starving myself, I just hope people don't bother me about it because I don't want to talk about it... I don't want to have to explain myself to every Tom, Dick and Harry!! It's just stupid! I'm genuinely going to get pissed off about it if I have to hear somebody question me, it's my own damn business my good lord. -.-
In other news, I quite like the tracking of the meals I eat through photographs, makes me feel a lot less out of control of it, and more able to keep on top of things, so I think I'm going to ask my parents for a camera for Christmas along with a few Forever 21 items... ;)
The meal above is just a bowl of Oatmeal topped with fresh autumnal fruits - absolutely lovely! ♡♡

Western Chic ♡

There's this lovely style called Western Chic, and I'm a little in love with it. I just adore the jackets and that bag has my heart already after just a glance. Gosh, if only I had money! It's definitely a motivation to be doing well in school for me this kind of thing, when I think of how people want to afford this sort of stuff and just can't ugh. At least I won't ever be spoiled, this is definitely the bright side of the whole affair.
I have so much damn homework now I think about it and haven't even glanced at it since MUN - complete utter waste of time, that's about all I have to say about it, so boring as well! <.< Why did I ever sign up for it??
Now I have to think of something else to do for creative which is going to be suuuuch a pain in the arse omg, I don't even want to think about it just yet. :/ PROCRASTINATION FUCK YES. ♡

Skeletal.

I've become increasingly fond of simple lines of poetry recently and I'm not exactly sure why. I just really like the simplicity of small fragments. 

hitRecord

I wish I could speak French incidentally I'm learning but ugh I wish I had more time to learn it in, unfortunately the IB leaves little room for even sleep, as I find myself going to bed at 3AM with shakey hands and blue lips.

Kiko and a rant...

I'm very much in love with Kiko and their make up and their nail varnish in particular it's just beautiful and sooooo gorgeous, I'm not over it at all omg. I feel like I'm becoming more girly recently and it's sort of nice and yeah.
Glad I didn't attend MUN being back at the ESM made me realize how damn lucky I am to be in the school I'm in. So glad not to have to go to a ghetto everyday. I feel like I've become conceited but all I can remember is feeling dreadfully unhappy there, because of a few select people and seeing them again in that environment and just hearing them say 'hey you' like we'd never met before was really damn pathetic and childish.. Ranting now but yeah, I can't believe how immature people are, it makes me sick. 

Bloglovin~

<a href="http://www.bloglovin.com/blog/4243141/?claim=r925mydy5zy">Follow my blog with Bloglovin</a>

Glasses and an ugly face.

I'm short sighted as well as fucked in the head, big whoop! ♡

Blue dip dye. ♡

Well it's almost the end of the year, so as one does, I'm fucking dip dying my hair. :)
Temporarily.

I would hate it to be permanent when I hate it. So, we'll see how it goes, probably disastrously but I have trust in the Manic Panic promises that it will wash out quickly.

So atomic Turquoise does look promising, and I know I have dark hair but I'm hoping this will be the result:

Colourwise off course, I'm not going to be unrealistic and say my hair is that long, but I just want 2 or 3 centimeters of it dip dyed. Don't really fancy it being completely ruined.

resolutions for october, yes late.

Exercising and a vegan diet as off Monday morning. I have my camelbak water bottle, my new salad container and all these sports clothes I ordered off Forever21.
I feel a bit better having done it, I just hope that school doesn't intervene with the way I've scheduled everything.

stormy weather and the atmosphere of the familiar

When you walk out of the door in the morning, there is a chill, and it shocks you to your bones, and you can smell the decay. It's lovely. The trees are shedding their unwanted excess. And I should be too.

Everything was lovely walking home this evening. I wish I could go out for another walk tonight, but unfortunately I have a lot of work all due tomorrow, which is really very frustrating and I would rather not do it to be honest. Anyway, I took some photos, probably looking like a complete moron with my camera aimed at the sky. I just love the way the clouds look almost bruised.

And here's another photo from yesterday. I just really love the Autumn light and the way everything looks more beautiful when it's dead or dying. 

cheap quality

Things that make me happy don't make other people as happy haha. I actually really like the pink shirt (H&M). <3

 So, here's some highstreet fashion, because I'm a cheap bitch xo.

Oh good lord, here is the kind of breakfast and lunch and dinner I eat. All the time. Because I need to lose weight before I kill myself. 

things, things, things

Two obsessions: fruit and coffee. 

Honestly this is all I've been consuming for the past couple days, and I don't know how to feel about this anymore. 

autumn arrived

So, it's Autumnal out and I went for a walk with my boyfriend and for my art project took the photos I need, and I just really like the colour contrasts. 

It smelled of decay and the sun was warm, and it's October and the year is nearly over, and everything is going so damn fast. I don't know if I like it or hate it. Either way it worries me, and I get anxious and I start to bite my lips, and peel the skin off, and my fingernails get shorter, and my hair is always messy. 

Work left to do: 

Outfoxed (English L+L HL)

MUN Columbia Research

ToK Perception story

Well shit. :)

Nostalgic

So, it's been one month since school started, and I'm feeling a certain nostalgia for Italy and eating strawberries and doing little else actually, except lounging in the pool and furiously scribbling down calorie contents and flicking through girly magazines.
University booklets are arriving, and Oxford has sent a letter, which is amazing, don't get me wrong, but it also makes me want to projectile vomit and hide under a blanket with a cup of tea and my Harry Potter books.
They're apparently very interested in me and liked the conversation some of the students had with me and I think they're all stark raving mad. 

I'm not sure why I started this blog. I suppose this is another form of documentation and procrastination and anything but being productive. Either way, I have MUN research to do, and me ToK story to finish, and have I mentioned the notes I have to take for English on this video?

Outfoxed: Rupert Murdoch's War on Journalism

It's actually fascinating, only you begin to believe that every type of media except for the BBC is not liberal and have to seriously question America's ethics.
Bloody Republicans make things pretty damn complex.